.Chapter 01
“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”
- Carl Gustav Jung
The darkness enveloping me were only as temporary as the days that have gone by. Under the vermillion sky, I see a boundless vista of a barren plain. It extends for as far as I am capable of, robbing me of my existence and purpose. Why am I here? I ask myself infinite times before, time and time again. As I will do so endlessly. Towards the beginning and the end as I see a sliver of hope beckoning towards me in the distance. Physical medium aside, I do not know the logical conclusion as when and where this journey will find me, or how. All I know is I am driven by internal forces pushing me towards this virtually unknown purpose. I see my Shadow looming over the barren floor and stretching so long to the point of absurdity. I refuse to believe what I see and tried to brush it off as some sort of madness.
My surroundings are imagery varying in scale and complexity. Were they moving or static? Do they have any substance? And what do they mean? Towering endlessly and spread out like trees in a forest, the pillars swayed and stood still in time oblivious to my very existence. Its trunks felt as wide as the echoes that could be heard from itself, and its height reaching the roof of the sky until it ended gradually in an eerie cerulean mist. Perhaps, I am merely minute in their scale and being. But I can’t shake the feeling of groundedness amidst all of this nature. Each step I took was eating at my very soul, yet at the same time I could not come to the conclusion as to why or how. I did not care and my vision was fixed towards the uncertain horizon. I even felt that it was the way it is, uncompromising, visceral, and real. I arrive at a clearing to soon be greeted by the impossibly distant horizon, emanating a certain sublime glow enough to illuminate the kiln of ash I have trudged through all this time.
A voice called out to me. Its rumbling began quietly, and soon the entirety of my senses were overwhelmed by whatever sound it made.
“Submit thy feelings of sentimentality and yearn, and on towards solicitude into I, the patron of thy origin and The Beginning of The End.”
Arising from the chasm beneath my feet, a titanic figure emerged of origin I do not know nor can ever possibly imagine, surrounding my peripheral vision in Its form and grandiose. Strangely, I feel a sense of familiarity and comfort, caressing my very senses and form as I see through countless frames of my own mind and memory diverging from Its fingertips. I was filled with curiosity which I have not felt for as long as I can remember, and a sense of wonder as I flipped through the countless pages of my dreams. As if I were dreaming, I instinctively navigated through it all and experiencing not the memory, but its feelings and emotions. Among them I see a figure guiding me through the tribulations of life and picking me up as I fall. Learning to stand back up to only fall again, and in doing so I discover the meaning of persistence that only a motherly figure can provide.
Warm shapes began to materialise and form, seemingly inviting me to learn and experience what life had to offer. In that fleeting moment, I cared not about the struggles and banality of the everyday. I only saw opportunity and freedom. Melodies of ages past waltzed through my ears and intertwine me with its rhythmic grace, guiding my feet with it so I don’t fall and tumble. With each step and stride I was increasingly more confident in my movement and so it rewarded a sense of accomplishment I was so eager in acquiring, but from who?
I wanted my hands to be held and guided through all of this uncertainty, not thinking about all the struggles of the journey and isolating myself within Its contempt and care. I didn’t want to be alone in such a foreign realm with only myself as eternal company. The unknown was temporarily dissipated the moment I arrived at this clearing.
"Thy journey shall begin, and will always begin as it will end towards a new beginning. Until then, cast thy fears and sense of dependence forward. I bequeath the gift of Nurturance, as a journey well driven is a journey encompassing all, and so advance through without haste, for the Truth is thy calling!”
With Its final words, I descended back into the surface. Although, this time I was traversing through the physical bounds of it, and into seemingly pitch darkness. I did not have time to react, my sense of belonging clung desperately at the entity and its sublimity but to no avail. The earth rumbled and deafened my ears, producing a sound so primal which sent me into a state of absolute terror. I could not see my shadow, but the pitch absence of light made me feel like I was surrounded by it.
And so my descent begins, into madness and into solitude. For it will be my one and only companion.
Satria Karunia R.
Images illustrated by Dimar Utama
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